There are a lot of whys in this life. Some are amazing. Why are my kids so cute, why am I so lucky to have the two best children on this planet, why did they choose me, why do I get such an amazing family, job, life? These whys are wonderful, life affirming, humbling. I try to ask myself these whys at least once a day, but naturally it happens more when the girls we around. I love these whys.
The whys I try to never ask myself, why did she just throw that, why is there traffic, why did the dog pee on the floor when we just got back from our walk? Why did they jerk us around with delayed flights only to cancel and why did I decide to take two children to Georgia without my husband? These are the insignificant whys. They happen naturally, in moments of self pity we have no business pitying ourselves. It's human, to let these stupid details become the big deals they really aren't. Add a bit of sleep deprivation, hunger, hormones or whatever excuse you give yourself ( sleep deprivation is my go- to) and these whys seem like a big deal for a second, but you know they aren't because they don't last long. Kids moods improve, they grow and learn and stop throwing things. Traffic never lasts forever, I've never seen that on the news. We got a new flight and eventually made it home, and the dog usually pisses outside. Short term whys.
The worst whys are the ones that last a lifetime, and are never answered. Why do very bad things happen? War, fires, deaths of children? Newtown, Boston Marathon, September 11, take your pick. There are dozens more I don't care to think of now. These whys fade a bit, but never go away. They can't be answered, they don't get better, they never resolve. Scars on humanity.
How do I raise children in a world of these whys without tainting them? How do I explain these things, what else will they endure in their lifetime? How do I teach them this world is a good place? That good will always outweigh the bad? That two people can set off a bomb, but a thousand people will run toward explosions to help?
I can hope that they see this. I can show them that other people are good. I can talk and talk about other people, wonderful people, doing good things in their lives, selfless things, wonderful things.
And, I could do something myself. As their mother, it's my responsibility to show them good in other people. But who is arguably the most influential person in their lives? Me. I still spend time trying to please my parents, I seek their advice about these things. I admire my parents so much. Of course my children will do the same.
So, two years ago, I decided to do something big. The idea grew out of me a bit unconventionally. I get a lot of great ideas, many never come to fruition. But this was different. If I was religious, perhaps I would say it was what God told me to do. For me it was more of a hormone fueled passion that didn't dissipate even when the post partum hormones did. I couldn't get it out of my mind. I thought about it every day. I researched every aspect of my idea. I opened my life to investigations, probes in to the most personal parts of my life, my history. I spent months tracking down records, doctors, insurance companies etc. It was work, I had moments of being so overwhelmed I thought I would just quit. But things fell into place. When my insurance would not cover what I intended to do, this wall appeared. It looked like this dream was crushed. That day, my husband came home announcing his company is finally offering insurance options, after years of not. They offered only one choice, and this was one of the only insurances that would cover my intentions. I couldn't believe it happened like that, wall removed, we push forward.
I've met them. Not in person, but on the phone. I love them. They could be us, they are us. She is me, in a different body, living a different life. He is Mark. They have no children. They want children so bad. I thought I went through a lot in my journey thus far, how stupid of me not to realize how much more they had to endure. The connection is instant. We are supposed to wait a day or two to make a decision, but I can barely contain myself. Mark feels the same. I never was more sure of anything in my life. I was only half sure about having my own kids, and look how awesome that turned out.
Contracts were created and signed. I received a hugs box of medications, needles, pills, calendars. Several fun exams. I am prepared for this. This is what I want to show my children, this is what they need to see, experience with me. We talk about it every day. They seem excited too. Mommy is going to have a baby. A baby we don't keep. A baby we will give back to his or her mommy and daddy after the are born.
I am going to be a surrogate. Because I want to. Because it is good. Because it is right.
Because I can.