Saturday, July 9, 2011

Why being a mom is like being stoned..

Now before you go calling CPS, I am no drug addict, nor have I ever been.  I had my fun in college but those days are long gone.  My fun now, while it may seem quite dull to most people, even other parents, is watching my daughter squeal at an ant as it wriggles by, or watch her try a new food for the first time, or repeat the occasional curse word that slips out.  It shouldn't, but even that gives me great joy and pride.

I got to thinking what being a parent is like, and if I ever could have imagined it when I was living a life without my children.  No, babysitting, or being a nanny, or having a puppy, is not like being a parent, not even a little bit.  So when I talk to people I knew back in my carefree days of late nights for different reasons, I imagine how I could describe being a mother.  I have decided, it could be comparable to being perpetually stoned, and here's why:

#1.  You are constantly paranoid.  About everything.  Other people look at you funny and try to convince you everything is fine.  You don't agree.  Every small object can be choked on, or swallowed, perhaps cause a bowel obstruction.  All my furniture is bolted to the walls of our house to prevent anything from falling.  I have installed more drawer ties and locks and baby gates than I can count.  Every piece of glass can break, every window is a death trap, every drop of water a drowning hazard. You get the point.

And not just about physical safety, I worry if I don't eat right in front of them, will they learn bad habits?  Or what if I eat too healthy and give them a complex?  What about teenage girls and driving in cars and eating disorders and losing their virginity to a boy who thinks he is a man because he has a penis and some tattoos?  What about their first broken heart, first fail, first broken bone?

Then, the more you parent, the worse it gets.  I fear food dyes and artificial sweeteners as if they were poison, what if they are?  What if they eat non-organic fruits and vegetables and ingest pesticides?  What about hormones in their food, mercury in fish?  Crap, I am breastfeeding, now I have to be even more careful about what I eat because JJ eats that...sort of.

The thing is, once you get started on a paranoid streak, it just keeps getting worse.  Total buzz kill.

#2:  You are always hungry.  Breastfeeding makes you pretty ravenous at times.  I also forget to eat breakfast, every single day.  I feed the kids and organize the house and set up activities and calm tantrums and screaming babies and then it's 11:30 and time for lunch and I have to nurse a baby while cutting up avocado and change diapers and put the toddler down for a nap and the most lunch I get it whatever I dare lick off my finger or a knife which may not always be a butter knife...impaired judgement.  At this point I am so hungry that I think of very creative food combinations...like eating that fig bar covered in peanut butter and applesauce....several food groups involved anyway...and it is good!  I also make a lot of macaroni and cheese, and order pizza at night, which usually is eaten cold the next day.

#3:  Everything is hilarious.  This is the best part.  Absolutely everything my kids do, is freaking hilarious.  They are comedians, the funniest I have ever seen.  Blowing spit bubbles, laying a loud fart, or imitating an adult, is the funniest thing you will ever see.  Other people don't see the humor, they may even get annoyed at how funny you think it is.  They are probably bored with it, bored with you.  But you, a parent, in your own little reality, don't care.  You just want to watch and laugh and admire this fascinating little creature you are quite sure is some sort of genius the world has never seen.

#4:  You think you have discovered something the world has never seen.  Your child is the smartest...advanced, no, a genius.  Maybe not in a traditional sense, but that noise they just made, that smile, that block they just stacked.  Amazing.  There is no way any other child in this world has ever done that before.  Even if it is not your first child, you are still convinced there is something Earth stopping about this behavior.  No one else may understand, but they don't know what you know, they can't see what you see, and it is deeply enthralling, consuming.

Although I have long ago said farewell to my old life as a college cheerleader with a very fulfilling social life, my life now feels like one big party.  Everyday I wake up excited, knowing what fun the day will bring.  Even the worst day as a parent has a lot of fun in it.  Every night I reflect again on my day and my husband and I laugh as we retell each other the same stories about that day that we were both present for anyway, but again laugh and smile and relive those moments.

I know now though, that I won't be young forever, and my children will age much faster than I will at this stage.  So I love these moments, I take a lot of pictures, press my nose to my babies' heads and breath deeply, memorizing the smell of them, how soft their skin is and the look in their sky blue eyes when they laugh, cry, pout, or how their eyes twitch in their sleep.  I know now, this time is limited, and I want to capture every moment, every first, second and last.  I want to remember and relive these moments tomorrow, next week, forever.  And I look forward to so many more.  

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